Feb 27, 2019
Alice & Yvette are having a wholesome MFF, with non other than CollegeHumor's Ryan Creamer (@ryguyguyry). The girls clearly can't contain themselves when they hear he's willing to do the dishes...without being asked. Together they review SpongeKnob SquareNuts, because our childhoods haven't been ruined enough.
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Unknown Speaker 0:02
This these two girls, one Mic, the show that talks about the holes
and plot holes of your favorite porn.
Alice Vaughn 0:11
Welcome to the podcast. Dildos are being affected by the trade war.
I'm your co host Alice Vaughn and with me I have my gorgeous co
host beside babe event Dr. Mott event How you doing honey? I'm very
sad about my impending higher cost of dildos thanks to the fact
that most of them have to be made in China right? Is this the thing
that's happening or the cost of rubber seal and all the other
things that go into this magical piece of equipment? I'm holding up
my Hitachi right now much to our guests consternation? Are you
personally being affected in your quest to get off by the trade
wars email us info to girls Win Mag comm so yeah, if you're in
China and you work at a factory, are you personally being affected
by the number of orders coming into your factory regarding dildos,
electronic products and door anything that's stimulating and or
vagina or crocs or both? Are all the generals email us info to
girls for Mike calm. Yeah, email us. You know, we shouldn't turn
the show into a show about economics because we're gonna get so
many angry emails No. Like, no. They've instead we have a very
interesting character from both the comedy and the porn universe
and I'm so fucking thrilled. That is work exists. Alice, how should
we he transcends porn and comedy. Would you say that? He does. So
his name is Brian creamer. Real name? Yeah, best both poor name and
real name. I have so many questions about that. But if you haven't
heard of Ryan before, he creates wholesome porn for Pornhub such as
I disinfect the casting couch. I do the dishes with happing ask. I
deliver you pizza and to put my wiener in it.
And he's a writer for College Humor. So Ryan, welcome to our show.
Ryan Creamer 1:53
Thanks so much for having me guys. I'm psyched to be here and I
will say I stockpiled all my dildos and butt plugs so I will sell
them at discount rate so they avoid trade wars if anyone's
interested. Or they used. Oh, great question. I'll pay
Yvette d'Entremont 2:05
extra for that. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, they're all use if they
come with panties even better yours specifically
Ryan Creamer 2:11
Perfect. Okay, I'll have my use but plugs dildos panties for sale
in the link of this app, I think
Yvette d'Entremont 2:17
Yeah, we'll link to it. Why not show notes? Yeah, Lincoln. We're
not going to use them. We're going to mount them on the wall as a
trophy. I one day I feel like there's gonna be a market for alysus
and my panties. Oh, sure. You know, there might be that out there
like, but there seems to be less of a market of that for men's
underwear. And I feel that is discriminatory.
Ryan Creamer 2:36
I think so too. I need to open the market up a little bit.
Alice Vaughn 2:39
Ryan, you are a pioneer. Hey, I appreciate that. Just so you know,
if you haven't looked at you should go and watch his porn. His most
important he is a very attractive gentleman. He is. Am I seeing
this wrong? Or are you a ginger? I might. Yeah, I am. And he is
like I said, very handsome fella. We don't say that about gingers.
This is our first ginger. Guest Oh, In MFF oh good boy yeah we do
like our MFF oh mama
Ryan Creamer 3:05
mama me it's very funny because tags on Pornhub and I think porn in
general redhead is like the least populated category like there is
none to be found people don't want to see it
Yvette d'Entremont 3:14
Really? I looked in England and I looked the gingers, so maybe
that's just me. But then again, maybe it's because I feel like
genders fall into one of two categories. You're really attractive
or? Oh, yeah, no, you're right. It's but Ryan has a delightful
smile and besides his video of washing the dishes without being
asked, I have never come so hard in my life.
Alice Vaughn 3:39
Oh, no. I personally loved I tuck you in after you have come.
Good man with the fact that he you encourage people to continue looking for the right porn video. Do you understand how picky I am? I will go through like 12 different pages on Pornhub and still be disappointed it has. It's okay baby. Wait until you find the thing that's right for you because your orgasm is important.
Ryan Creamer 4:06
Well, here's my question in terms of searching for stuff, because
what I do is I'll go through and I don't really have a plan of
attack. It's just like whatever is presented to me, I'm like, these
are my options that makes your dick. But do you guys look for like,
generally like, here's the genre is their processors at the same
where it's like I open it and then I'm scrolling.
Alice Vaughn 4:22
I open I scroll I normally go three pages in to see if there's
anything that's interesting to me. Sure. My listeners are finding
out about my porn habits. Fantastic. They're gonna get mine next.
So then I start going into different types of terms that I'm
interested in. I like high quality stuff. I like romantic stuff
because I normally on the romantic ones, you could see people who
are really into each other and I want both parties just going at it
and wanting to rip each others clothes off. Right, I've just seen
lackluster sex. I also have a handful of other search terms that
you have to become a Patreon to find out
Ryan Creamer 5:01
Yeah, flee the market. I love it.
Alice Vaughn 5:03
And I joke about technical porn on the show. It's not my thing.
I've never deliberately searched into houses like yeah, I believe
you on that event. But no same thing search to the first three
pages. Nothing interesting that I'm like, Alright, DPA. No, let's
see what they've got. Sure, sure, sure. You have to go straight for
the stuff that's gonna really rock it. Yeah, of course. I mean, I
get it. And I'm married. You know, married people watch porn
together. So sometimes it's like, whoever suggests the genre of
porn first gets to conquer porn mountain. That's how that works on
one is watching it together. So Ryan, how did you come up with this
idea of wholesome porn? I love it. I am not sure I like set out to
like, Okay, this is a thing I'm gonna do. I was on Pornhub I was
watching porn. And after I am shocked Yeah, we can't have this man
on our show.
Ryan Creamer 5:52
Yeah, sorry. I gotta I'm gonna log off real quick. Goodbye. No, but
at the bottom there's like a work with a stem. There's like a model
program from Pornhub and I was like, it's very funny for me
specifically to join this program. This is not the target demo, I
imagine, they're not looking for the ginger man with his clothes on
all the time. And that's the kind of videos that I thought would be
funny to make. So I did that first one, the I took you in after you
come. And then the second one was, I encourage you to help find the
video that you want. And those were the first two that I did. And
that was essentially the tracks at there. And I was like, Okay,
that was fun. Like, those are the ideas that I had. But those two
kind of got big and like got shared around a bunch. So I was like,
Oh, this is a format I can keep doing
Alice Vaughn 6:35
and just kept going from Yeah. And you disinfected the casting
couch. I did was not the actual casting couch was it?
Ryan Creamer 6:42
It's not but it looks like it doesn't it is
Alice Vaughn 6:45
pretty much any black vinyl? Yeah. loveseat style couch. We'll do
it right. I'm sure people have had sex on that couch. That's close
enough.
Ryan Creamer 6:54
Yeah, that was a couch at work. And yeah, it's like,
Alice Vaughn 6:56
Oh, dang. Yeah. I watch College Humor. I'm subscribed. Click the
subscribe button if I'm a good College Humor watcher. I'm just
saying y'all are attractive folks over there that's visualizing
that is not a bad visual show. Oh, people are fucking at work. Oh,
that's never happened.
Ryan Creamer 7:15
Yeah, we get the conference room we rented out and we all have sex
with each other and then we go home we don't really do anything
other than that
Alice Vaughn 7:21
the videos are just kind of while you're banging we should do a
video
Ryan Creamer 7:24
about this. Yeah, it helps stimulate the brainstorming it's just a
fuck each other.
Alice Vaughn 7:30
I think it's simulating something else but you know brain to your
dick is that big. Maybe it'll get all the way up there. I still I'm
hung up so much on your name. Because I mean, after this episode, I
feel like women are going to or maybe just may be calling saying, I
don't know. I feel like your tagline is going to end up being on
porn like, and you've been creamed? Yeah, you want some of the
creamsicle and then you just give an actual creamsicle I don't
know. I feel like there could be ice cream man porn now. Oh, yes.
There's so much porn you can cover Do you haven't done plumbers?
You haven't cleared a woman's pipes out yet and actually cleared
her pipes out? Yes,
Ryan Creamer 8:06
yes, it's a job that needs to be done. I mean, you can't just
and
Yvette d'Entremont 8:08
we were talking about this before we started recording but there
was one with IKEA. Oh yeah, I mentioned go to IKEA and Toad fight
with your girlfriend, people needed and my way of doing that was
instead when your girlfriend wants to go to IKEA just hand her your
credit card and say I trust you and get yourself some throw pillows
that I know you love so much. I think that is wholesome porn that
women are going to be like he's in
Ryan Creamer 8:35
and then ideally I get kind of this brand. IKEA sponsors me gives
me a bunch of their furniture, you know,
Alice Vaughn 8:41
maybe they'll just give you throw pillows. I mean, not that that's
what I have. I'm like where am I throw pillows from IKEA. I put
together an Ikea kitchen cabinet while you watch Grey's
Anatomy.
Ryan Creamer 8:53
See the problem with that is that I'd actually have to be able to
do it and I don't think I can.
Yvette d'Entremont 8:57
I love putting together IKEA furniture. It's one of my, like, my
husband is very, very good at constructing real things that need
construction. So when there's IKEA shit, I'm like, leave me alone.
I could actually do this. Yeah,
Ryan Creamer 9:08
it's like adult Legos. I'm like, I can do this same
Alice Vaughn 9:11
here. When we were getting furniture putting it together. I was the
one who was like, oh, there's a hole that needs spackling me do
this. Alice does like putting things in holes. Oh shit. We're here
for the low hanging fruit guys. I'll get hacky with my humor if I
have to. I'm not above that. Look, our tagline is we're discussing
the holes and plot holes and port. We'll get hacky with my humor.
Occasionally, you're allowed to Ryan anything that you can dangle
in front of our listeners in front of the horizon of what you're
going to be putting out next.
Ryan Creamer 9:41
So yeah, I was saying I try to do these videos like once a week or
so I don't think of it as something that's like okay, we need to
constantly be making these but so once a week I try to do it. The
one that I just recorded is me with my sweater, my tie and my
little button up which I have worn in all of them and I'm in the
shower fully clothed and as you Haven't nailed which
Alice Vaughn 10:00
is exactly how everyone showers.
Ryan Creamer 10:02
Yes, exactly normal kind people in the shower with all their
clothes on. And yeah, it's me just in the shower and no one comes
in there disturbs my shower and fucks me I just get clean and it's
really nice.
Yvette d'Entremont 10:13
That sounds so sweet. I think we need more of that and pornography.
Obviously sometimes
Ryan Creamer 10:18
you just need to shower because you have to go to a thing later
Alice Vaughn 10:20
with your clothes on things. Exactly. Like I would say you live in
LA and it's warm. And that's why but you don't live in LA. No, no,
we have him this time on the east coast. So it's true. Yeah, I feel
like our guests are either in Los Angeles or New York like there's
no other location for funny or for pornographic people. Those are
the only two if you're a porn star in Minnesota. We want to hear
from you info at two girls when Mike calm I specifically want the
Kansas porn stars. There's some shit going on there. I know and I
want to get to the bottom of it.
Ryan Creamer 10:51
So are most people that you've had on that are in the industry in
LA. I imagined that So yeah,
Alice Vaughn 10:56
I used to live in Burbank and that is the porno Valley is it really
we would go out tomorrow. Breakfast, generally in North Hollywood
and we would play this game of fitness model or porn star, because,
you know, they would all be wearing leggings and sports bras and
it's like, all right, you could, it would be hard to tell but
generally we would go with how big are the fake boobs? So not only
do they have fake boobs, it's how big it was. If you're a fitness
person, you need to have them not hit your face. Sure. I do like
the resurgence of real boobs, though in porn nowadays. arsenal fan
just say yeah, just say Alice and I are our steering members of the
itty bitty titty committee. Love it. I've always been a fan of the
small ones. I like the big ones. Look, I just like boobs. Look, I
am enjoying the ass era. But I think the boobs are feeling left out
right now.
Ryan Creamer 11:44
Do you think we're in the ass era currently?
Alice Vaughn 11:45
I think the last era might be on I don't think it's on its way out.
But I think it peaked. Yes. Possible. I'm gonna hold that for it
because fan
supporter you are about 70% ass That's really not wrong. I say this is a compliment you have no you haven't asked that white girls would kill for I mean, look, I'm nowhere near me. I'm alcova status were like, perfectly around like that next to the moon, you can't tell the difference. Sure. I mean, decent. I would say I decent
Ryan Creamer 12:20
70% as seems like a pretty good ratio. That's like the amount of
water that's on the planet.
Alice Vaughn 12:25
Alice has asked is a monument to ask us. It's a good ass. I know
you can see below me but I actually don't really have legs. It's
mostly Yes. You
Ryan Creamer 12:33
just walk around on your ass. Let's just
Alice Vaughn 12:34
ask scoots really it's just like a little. It's a sachet of
Yeah,
Ryan Creamer 12:40
but but but but and then it gets the butts stronger because you're
you know, using it to move I think that's great.
Alice Vaughn 12:45
Pants shopping has always been hard though. I got
Ryan Creamer 12:47
to imagine you know,
Alice Vaughn 12:49
so we watched a porn this week, not together. Although I kind of
wish we did. This was fairly chaste pour and there was not to blow
the plot. That's all that happened. We always do. There was a
Ryan Creamer 13:01
blow job. Well, I do think it was so much a limitation of the
costuming.
Alice Vaughn 13:08
Yeah, we watched sponge knob square nuts this week once another
delightful feature from our friends at wait was this wood rocket or
just it was this was wood rock at this time. So Leroy, thank you
for traumatizing us. Mission accomplished. Was it traumatizing? Or
was it an addition to our childhood? Or was it ruining it? Oh,
because I watched SpongeBob in college, just Anthony Rosano. His
voice in this just oh my god, where do we start? That when he was
coming was too much. I'm sorry.
Ryan Creamer 13:39
Oh, yeah, the thing is, and you got to give him credit for it. He
really commits to the character. Yeah, but the issue is in other
wood rocket things that I've seen, it's like, okay, we're gonna do
the plot stuff. And then we're just gonna have sex like people do.
And then this is going to be this character having sex?
Alice Vaughn 13:55
Yeah, I mean, in The Simpsons, they managed to keep McBain and
character. Oh, that's fun. And this is why I say Evan stone was one
of the best actors important because he managed to keep mcbay he
kept keep talking and the mcbane will take Mick Baines penis like
one, Nancy. Why do I hide the plutonium? I will hide the plutonium
in your pants. I'm sorry, we could watch that one over again, just
because it was funny. But we're gonna start out this form from the
beginning. Like Actually, I feel like before we even get into the
plot, we need to sell something once and for all. Is SpongeBob a
dish sponge or a sea sponge? Oh, good question. Hmm, let's see, do
dish sponges come from the sea sometimes.
Ryan Creamer 14:33
So I do know that the creator because I'm a big SpongeBob head
loves SpongeBob and when he was creating it, he was like a marine
biologist. So he knows all these like creatures really well. And
he's like, okay, so sponges don't actually look like dish sponges
in the sea, but like his kids show so I'm gonna make it what they
you know, is familiar to them, which is additional Yeah,
Alice Vaughn 14:53
Stephen Hillenburg one that he said when he was originally trying
to draw SpongeBob it originally looked like that. poorest snowman.
So he decided to use the universally understood symbol of a sponge
a dish sponge. So we technically both and let me explain why
because I did so much research into this. This literally took up 60
minutes my life. This is what Alice does with her free time she
tries to figure out a pornographic sponges or sea sponges or if
they were made in the lab, she's doing this for you. Yeah, for you
people putting in hours. You're welcome. And thank you for
listening. So let me present the arguments for Team dish sponge. So
please do team dish sponge. There is an episode where SpongeBob has
a quote, abrasive side. It's green. Oh, interesting.
When SpongeBob and Patrick also are on drier land you guys have probably I mean, Ryan, you've seen that he's used as a normal sponge. Yeah. Yeah, there's also his parents had kind of look like loofahs but now to present the counter arguments. loopers are not just natural. They are land sponges. They come from a pod Are they land sponges? Yeah, they are sponges that come out of a pod. They don't live in a pineapple under the sea. They come from a tree and a pod. Hmm, I saw that. That's true. We have the Googles. We can do this that I've seen this recently. Please do because I know sea sponges grow in different shapes, colors and texture, so it's not too far off to say that they could be round in different colors. Interesting. I mean, there could be different things that are labeled as loofahs out in the universe sure that I'd seen a video on this recently. Peeling a homegrown loofahs Oh, here we go. How to harvest a loofah sponge
Ryan Creamer 16:34
Have you seen like the male loofahs that they had to brand is like
fucking with this super aggro male language of like this is like
manscaping like deck scrub?
Alice Vaughn 16:44
No, this isn't a loofa It's a lather builder is the exactly this is
Christ are you is your I know that some men don't like the term
toxic masculinity and this might make your balls tuck right back up
into you, but bear with me. It'll be okay. are you so scared of
something like a loofa that you have to call it a lather builder to
be okay with getting your balls cleaned for fucksakes
Unknown Speaker 17:09
it's
Alice Vaughn 17:10
it's just marketers who are trying to appeal to a segment of the
population and have no idea how the fuck they're doing it. Hundred
percent found a video of the Bufo sponges being harvested and I
trying to figure out if they come from a tree or not. But let's
see. So for Team c sponge while you're looking for that
information, yes. SpongeBob can literally in some instances, you
see him inhaling his food, so filter feeding. You also in some
episodes seem like mini SpongeBob is popping around SpongeBob. So
you see reproduction via budding. Yeah. And also regeneration. Like
he has an episode where they like he has a bucket of popcorn and
he's eating his own hands. So that's what a sea sponge would do.
Well, that's something and there's also he does photosynthesis for
nourishment in an early episode. But you know what it actually
comes to be and the reason it's technically both from 1999 to 2004.
That's when Stephen Hillenburg worked on the show the original
creator, he left after 2004. The show obviously continued, but then
the new director to creative liberties that portray SpongeBob as
more of a dish sponge, so the lower episodes could technically be
considered not to be canon. This is very interesting. So I found
the information about lupus. The loofa is a genus of tropical and
subtropical vines in the cucumber family, ah, they grow seeds and
everyday non technical users loofa also spelled lufa. So it's
normally spelled l u FFA as opposed to the commercial product le
fH, it usually refers to the fruit of two species. The fruit of
these species are cultivated and eaten as a vegetable the fruit
must be harvested at a young stage of development to be edible.
Either way, the fully developed fruit is the source of the loop.
First scrubbing sponge. So there we go. So since we that's more
information I ever needed to know about loofahs Now we know
everything we need to know about what you use to scrub you're happy
places or non Happy Places. I don't know where your loot those are
being shoved. However, if his parents are loofahs he is at least
part loofa. Oh, interesting, since we know for a fact that he's a
loofa. This means he was born on the ground. He's part cucumber. So
which means he's a good dildo. That's all I'm saying. I wouldn't
know. I just read about it online. Exactly. So let's get into the
porn. Yes, absolutely. Before we get into actual sex, I love their
take on the SpongeBob song. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it was fantastic.
Are you legal age adults ready to watch some porn? Oh, yeah. Who
lives in a vibrator under the sea sponge. No square know he's so
horny and nerdy and try to have me spawns.
Now Weird yellow sex is something you lost spawns nah swear and then you must be a perv like sponge knob square nuts
yeah
Ryan Creamer 20:11
so coming out of the gate hot
Alice Vaughn 20:12
yes so this is our intro to the episode I give them credit for
creativity and for using a fairly similar rhyming scheme and well
anytime would rock it does one of these things I always wonder how
the fuck do they not get sued or do they just contact the creators
and say already porn yeah like they use so much of the already porn
law yeah I love that there's law about parody for
Ryan Creamer 20:35
the intro also gives you like a you get a taste of what you're in
for with the whole costuming which when in your episode talking to
Lee last time it sounds like very intentionally is like how can we
make this look just like I do understand the business or just like
the appeal of like, Yeah, we got to make this look like
Yvette d'Entremont 20:54
Yeah, yeah, mission accomplished. I described him as looking like
have you seen those old movies movies where they have the moon and
it's supposed to look like cheese. Yeah, that's what SpongeBob
looks like in this except his eyes were kind of dark where they
didn't get all the yellow into the cracks of it. He looked kind of
like uncle fester cross with the old moon made of cheese. Yes. Oh,
that's actually a perfect description. And it's like, if that isn't
getting the picture across just google a picture you're gonna be
like, oh man, that's a horrifyingly accurate description.
Ryan Creamer 21:24
It really is. The circles that I guess are just normally holes on a
sponge look very like lesion II and like, infected.
Alice Vaughn 21:32
Yeah, yeah, he's got himself some leprosy or are cozies lesions or
something? I'm just saying maybe they didn't get testing done on
this one. No. I have to say though, again, Anthony Rosano really
committed to the voice he did. We start with SpongeBob he's
greeting everything like he would in the show. Very SpongeBob
esque. You know? What a beautiful morning. Good morning Bikini
Bottom. Actually, Can anyone hear to the SpongeBob voice? Let's
see. I'll give it a go. Now. No, I don't think I can I think it's
good morning. No, I can do it Patrick but everyone could do it so
SpongeBob but no it's not in my work at
Ryan Creamer 22:10
it. Okay, so the whole thing I couldn't even get close I
Alice Vaughn 22:12
can do the laugh probably but that's creepy as shit. That hold it
but you know Good morning Bikini Bottom Good morning pillow Good
morning bed Good morning fish painting Good morning nightstand Good
morning pants and good morning good looking. Love it and then
SpongeBob has a little bit of a crisis. He does it seems he's very
sad. He is all all alone.
Ryan Creamer 22:35
Yeah, it goes from very happy to very bleak very quickly.
Alice Vaughn 22:38
His life is just in shambles, because he's all alone for a day and
he might be all alone. Forever. is no one to play with. No Mr.
Krabs don't Patrick No. Squidward No, Gary. And here's where I
thought we were gonna get a masturbation scene because he's Yeah,
so I guess I'll just have to play with myself. And that would have
been interesting because when you see the actual arms in there So
there's no way he could even clap I don't think he could have
reached. I was hoping for a fleshlight that he would just like
thrust into or something fucking a fish I'm waiting for that. There
could have been a glory hole with the big mouth bass Matt Liebe we
need you on this. We had a guest on who fucked a big mouth bass.
The Singing fish. We all have weird masturbation stories. Ryan,
what's yours? Oh, wow,
Ryan Creamer 23:24
well, I've actually fucked two basses at the same time.
Alice Vaughn 23:28
Well wait with which
Ryan Creamer 23:30
parts which parts of the bass I stitch them together like human
centipede style? Yes.
Alice Vaughn 23:36
You had that much stick to throw in. Oh yeah, exactly. Okay, okay,
we were picking up What?
Ryan Creamer 23:42
Wait So wait, what was this person's experience I need to hear
about what fucking officiously
Alice Vaughn 23:46
you need to listen to our episode The Big Lebowski. Okay, I can't
do it any justice. I'm sorry. I think it was just it was there to
be fucked and he was was he a teenage boy. Young adolescent look
when you're like in your 10, elevens, like, you're gonna fuck
anything. I have stuck stuff in places that should not have been
stopped. I'm saying, I'm putting it out there, there are things you
do when you're younger and you're first like your body is getting
those hormones and things are feeling things and you're like, Look,
I'm not proud of these things. And I'm not admitting to any of
them. He admitted to them, which makes it puppy.
Ryan Creamer 24:23
He was 1011 when he did it.
Yvette d'Entremont 24:25
I don't know exactly how many but you don't remember Sure. old
enough to get an erection and young enough not to know better.
Ryan Creamer 24:31
It's very funny because that's such an item that it's like your
parents or whoever's in your home is gonna be like, Where's the
fish I bought?
That's an item that will be accounted for. I feel
Yvette d'Entremont 24:41
like that's one of those items that your father will be like,
because the mom doesn't buy that the dad does is one of those items
that you're not gonna be like, where'd that fish go? And mom's
gonna be like, oh, we'll find it someday, honey.
Ryan Creamer 24:53
Yeah, that's some day. 40 days later, old rotten fish is found.
Alice Vaughn 24:58
Come smell emitting Oh, just a reminder clean out your flashlights?
Yes. Oh yeah, this is a podcast that tells people clean your sex
toys. We've talked about the fact that we're going to write our
first book and it's going to be called wash your junk. Sure.
Instead we're going to do it as a kit. It's going to look like a
book it's going to have Tommy pistol on the cover. It's going to be
the Tommy pistol approved wash your junk kit and it's just going to
be wet wipes and grooming materials. Tommy have quote, you know,
some sort of a quote from saying, gentlemen, this is why the ladies
like my junk.
Ryan Creamer 25:30
So what wipes is the move right? Like that's just the way to do
it.
Alice Vaughn 25:34
If you are in a pinch and you have not had time to shower directly
before trying to stick your penis into your partner's mouth. Oh,
wet towel, anything something to get the smell of the day off of
that area because then ladies come on. We're not going to leave you
out to wash your jug. If you want him to go down. Have it smell
like roses. Well not actually roses. Don't stuff roses in there.
I've tried to Do my tastes weird was it thorny? Or was it just was
it the leaves leaves? Yeah,
Ryan Creamer 26:05
the thorns were fine the leaves is what you don't want
Alice Vaughn 26:07
masochism is cool but fuck bro man no no none of that. Yeah this is
why we call it wash your junk not wash your dick
Ryan Creamer 26:15
so wet wipes for toys as well right
Alice Vaughn 26:16
no for toys you need to sterilize they have special sprays.
Depending on the composition of toy, you don't want to damage it if
you want to keep it for a long time metal silicone rubber there are
different whatever your toy is please look up the proper cleaning
instructions for it because we would like you to not get the types
of all the different types of infections you can get in your
various types of junk please be responsible with your parts. We
want you to have fun with them. Ladies, we know you love your
Hitachi but it also loves a bath or a clean Yeah, it needs some
sanitation
Ryan Creamer 26:48
do some people puts them in the dishwasher or is that something
that no one does. I have
Yvette d'Entremont 26:52
heard that with the silicone toys. I also suggest cleaning your
dishwasher before doing this.
Ryan Creamer 26:58
Yeah, that certain point is just like okay, now cleaning
everything.
Alice Vaughn 27:02
There are cleansers that are specifically made for it. I mean, you
can never go wrong with like the silicone ones are pretty damn good
at not falling apart. I mean, I've cleaned mine with Lysol before.
If you're hearing that and telling me that I'm a horrible person or
that I'm going to destroy my vagina, please email me. But I'll
clean it with Lysol and then of course wash it off and clean it
more gentle cleanser, but you know, you can't go wrong with killing
all the micro bits on something that's pretty indestructible. Sure,
I'm sure we're gonna have a whole episode on just cleaning your
toys for Attica. Yeah, yeah. Proper toy cleaning etiquette,
especially if you're someone who's going to use that toy if you are
a multi partnered person. What is the etiquette for toy cleaning?
Other than just putting a condom on it? We're going to get an
expert on so let's get back to the porn. Yeah, this is our show
tangents
Ryan Creamer 27:47
just bouncing off that do you think SpongeBob is like a clean? Do
you think his dick is clean? Like canonically?
Alice Vaughn 27:52
No, because sponges are filter creatures and so they have all sorts
of things flowing through them. However, I think he's at stasis
with the ocean at this point. Sure. So he's probably about as
sturdy as his surroundings. I also have personal problems because
sponges are able to reproduce asexually through budding as I
mentioned earlier on, so fun sciency fact because I know some of
you guys came for the science on the show, of course, why wouldn't
you come to a port and podcast for the science, but that's where a
small piece of a sponge is broken off and we'll still be able to
survive and grow into another sponge. sponges are also able to
repair damage to their bodies that way, so makes it ideal to
survive in water, but if he's a loofa, he needs to reproduce via
being planted. Oh shit, so he is trying to plant his seed and Sandy
appropriately. Also, most sponges are both male and female. So long
story short, sometimes male sponges will release sperm into the
water that would travel and enter a feet quote, female sponge, but
again, they could be either I mean, SpongeBob could have
Technically reproduced with himself he didn't need a slutty
squirrel. I see nothing wrong with fucking a sled a squirrel if
you're a sled, a sponge and everyone can sense like, you know, I
don't know what the rules are for cross species insemination in the
animal outside of the human kingdom. I just I want them to find
love however it works for those kids. Totally. They seem to be
happy I want that I want to let them beat up or at least they seem
to be SpongeBob seem to be happy with the outcome so to speak.
Sure, so we beat Sandy and you want me to do what SpongeBob give me
a sponge baby Sandy have a baby with you. And she weren't eating
babies runs in our family. Okay, I was looking into that. Do
squirrels IE babies cuz some critters like that do eat babies. This
is another full tangent that I'm pretty sure I spent a couple hours
on because we like continuity are poor and we want this to be
scientifically accurate should be yes. So it's not technically
accurate. I mean, according to research from University of Alberta
biologists, in years where food is abundant for squirrels, males
will kill off the young of rival males. So basically what they call
sexually selected infanticide. Damn. Holy shit. I didn't know if it
was a thing that was across the genus family either way of rodentia
but I had hamsters growing up and we had one that was stillborn.
And that one was a snack for the mother. Oh, yeah. I learned about
the circle of life at the age of seven when I brought a pregnant
hamster home from the pet store. Suddenly, where we had one hamster
I had six, five and a snack.
Yeah, so definitely, hamsters, birds, fish, insects, bugs, pigs, snakes, even some primates, they will eat their next generation. And it sounds counterproductive considering the whole point of no reproduction is having your genes passed on and continuing that next gen But it's sometimes a successful strategy because like hamsters, we've kind of determined it's a form of population control. So for example, an average hamster will have eight to nine pups, a two on average. And apparently scientists have even tried, hey, what if we add more to the litter, she'll eat them. She'll eat for that on average. So what they think is happening is by removing a few pups, so what you're saying is that the Octomom is a fucking hero for not eating some of those cats.
Ryan Creamer 31:30
Yes, we can all agree on that.
Alice Vaughn 31:31
We were all shocked. She didn't eat them. Let's be honest. Yes.
Like at least two of them to those kids have to be fucking
annoying. Like, I don't know which ones but like, that's got to be
a thing. No one's follow it up. Are they still there? We don't
know. So especially with her not that long ago. She's doing pretty
well. Good for her. That's the entire Octomom tangent going back to
hamsters for a hot second. So it suggests that basically eating the
young might give enough nourishment so she could provide for the
survivors so yay, cannibalism, but also sure number situations,
animals will eat their young to like, kind of beat the predator to
it's like, oh, if you're gonna eat my own, I might as well do it. I
might protect other members of their pack while they get away. Yes.
Or if they want to reproduce, they're like, Well, you know, all
these eggs have hatched but like these few having so and I want to,
you know, get raunchy, so I'm gonna eat these like eggs that are my
babies and just so I could get party and have fun again. So what
we're saying is cannibalism is cool. If you're a hamster, please
don't do it. If you're a human or a snake or bird or insect.
Basically, most critters will like it because every so often like
you'll see a meme on Facebook. It's like, we're the only creatures
that do all these bad things to each other. I'm like, Oh, really,
because biology says otherwise. Biology says that the animal
kingdom is awful to each other.
Ryan Creamer 32:49
Yeah, this is probably why Sandy went to the ocean. She's like, I
gotta get the fuck out of like, this environment where I'm gonna
get eaten.
Alice Vaughn 32:56
You know what, maybe there was a vengeful squirrel. That was sad
that she She was not eaten as a runt pup knows. And she was like I
just need to make myself a little spacesuit and go float down to
Bikini Bottom Good for her. She was wearing a bikini bottom which I
appreciated So Ryan Yes Do you want to hear some fun scroll facts
do I ever that's why I came on this let's go Did you know that
female squirrels could be considered highly promiscuous? Wait
Unknown Speaker 33:21
What does it mean could be considered so
Alice Vaughn 33:23
what's the difference between could be considered and are highly
yeah
Ryan Creamer 33:26
who was like I don't want to go full out but I will say we couldn't
make the argument
Alice Vaughn 33:32
are they having like a one night stand once in a while like are
their numbers just a little above average? like is this
conservative Christians consider them slutty or just like an
average person cuz I need to know I need fat. slut shaming
squirrels. No, I am not encouraging squirrels. I want more more
genetic diversity amongst them so fuck away squirrels. Two girls
one mic the podcast that brings you fun Animal Facts you really
didn't want to hear. We should get Dr. Karen Bogner on here she
does wild sex this series that talks about sex in the animal
kingdom. I learned from her that the barnacle compared to body size
has the largest penis in the animal kingdom. For those Well, you're
talking about Danny DeVito, right? It's almost as big as dread. Oh,
our performer that we're having on next week love it. So what I
mean by that is a apparently well rarely breed with the same male
squirrel again, okay, on top of that, the mother will have a litter
of babies. But here's the thing that I found really interesting.
The babies when she has a litter will have a number of different
fathers. So the average litter size could be three to five but
there could be two or more fathers kids and that's so freakin crazy
because it is crazy like the genes are gonna be different. That
technically could happen in humans with twins depending on the time
differential between the sexing and I read this forever ago it's
possible to eggs released different sperm and that these things are
rare but they I want to know if this has happened but I mean it's
definitely it is improbable, but it is plausible
Ryan Creamer 35:05
alright My favorite part about all this is the guy with the
clipboard running around watching squirrels fucking being like okay
that was a different guy but at the same girl out in the woods like
a maniac
Alice Vaughn 35:15
someone's running squirrel DNA and being like you are not the
father. What Fuck this shit. I knew it you bet like this is
happening with squirrels. There's more a somewhere out there for
squirrels he might be comparing him by a testicle size because male
squirrels do have enormous testicles really is true. Yeah,
Ryan Creamer 35:33
that seems very easily Google a bowl and I could do it right now
probably check out some squirrel, testes real quick
Alice Vaughn 35:38
squirrel nuts, a male cape ground squirrels, their scrotum could be
about 20% of its body life. Fun fact. Holy shit. Here's my
question. Because we have a female squirrel on this. How does the
female squirrel vagina stack up compared to all she has to take
from the male squirrel? like is this like a duck that's gonna be
fucked to death? Or is this An animal that's going to be
comfortable. Great question. I've never thought about the comfort
and safety of a female squirrel being fucked. You know what you
brought up the balls. I had to bring up the shaft
Ryan Creamer 36:10
and the rest of the situation find these pictures of these scroll
testes look like Photoshop. Like this is crazy. They're big as
hell.
Yvette d'Entremont 36:19
You know what else has giant balls that I've seen live and in
person and I was not I don't know if horrified is the word but kind
of like I almost wanted to applaud kangaroos really. They are
gigantic. They hang in such a way that you're like, how do they
not? It seems like such a little thread and then these giant balls
and you're like, how have you not been in an industrial accident
like that was had to go to Australia for a few work trips and every
time I'm like, I need to go see kangaroos. Got to see the notes.
Gotta go see the nads again. So speaking of dads, we have a porn.
Oh, yes. We do our tangent. So let's see. So Sandy's first concern
is how are we going to do this? I can't breathe underwater.
Ryan Creamer 36:57
Yeah, but luckily SpongeBob comes back saying I'm a sponge and I'm
full of air. So as long as you keep sucking on me you will be able
to breathe.
Alice Vaughn 37:05
Oh, science. I've had dumber pickup lines work on me before so you
know SpongeBob you know, in my younger days, it might have
worked.
Ryan Creamer 37:16
This is a life support system if you suck my dick.
Alice Vaughn 37:20
his dick will keep you going when an airplane is going down. So I'm
going down.
Ryan Creamer 37:26
Yeah, there it is. Yeah, there we go. Now then she starts but has
her helmet on. She tries to start sucking his dick
Yvette d'Entremont 37:33
which is weird because while they were talking her helmet was up
like could be right. Could you not have stuck a microphone? I want
to know this genuinely like did they try to stick a little
microphone up there? And it was echoey. Like, yes, they put the
helmet down and she was like, I can't get this dick and through the
helmet really Sandy were shocks shocks that object could not pet it
and so she takes the helmet
Ryan Creamer 37:57
off. I do think everyone can relate to that though. We've all had
tried to have sex with a helmet on and then realize it's not as
practical as we thought it would have had that
Alice Vaughn 38:05
we've actually had this discussion multiple times about having sex
with
Unknown Speaker 38:09
helmets odd Really?
Yvette d'Entremont 38:10
Because how do you do POV sex without someone wearing a helmet with
a camera? Oh right right did cam addict cam that's the thing people
do.
Ryan Creamer 38:19
Sure. Now is that just like a strap with a GoPro or is it like a
true like fucking
Alice Vaughn 38:24
you know what I haven't looked into it but I'm sure someone has to
have a helmet for some of the straps you have a helmet with a GoPro
you use for sex please email us at info to girls at Mike calm
house. I work it out. We want to know and if you have just a helmet
for a sec, still email us no cameras.
It's if whatever you're doing involves you need a helmet. I need to try this. I am missing something from my toy collection. Look, I have knee pads. I'm just saying I was a volleyball player to Alice. We don't need to bring that in. So anyways, so the progress The dialogue is going on you Sandy you like that sponge knob? I do not says spongy now. It's just
Ryan Creamer 39:08
which that's also a line that everyone should say during sex is
your heart now you are no longer spongy.
Yvette d'Entremont 39:13
I'm gonna use it on my husband and see how it works out. Maybe your
dick is no longer mine mushy. Funny. Yeah, it's I so often describe
Dix as sponging
Ryan Creamer 39:24
Yeah. So I think in porn in general, yeah. People should comment on
flash addicts more and be like lookout softer you used to be.
Alice Vaughn 39:32
It's just like a loofa right now. It's just like a loofah you fell
apart in my hands like sand before I need a pumice stone baby. I
need a softened pumice stone. I need marble. I need marble. There
we go marble or graded. Oh, and then while he's being blown, we
flashed to his face multiple times. Creepy. Come on. It's with the
like we said with the moon and the uncle fester it's just yellow
uncle fester face That's essentially what you have. Yeah, you know
what the dark eyes that look like he hasn't seen the sun in 27,000
years. Like there's just, there's something very weird about the
whole thing and he I mean, to be fair, it means that the actress
playing Sandy is giving him a great fucking blowjob and he can sit
there and concentrate on his pleasure through that goddamn costume.
Totally like that had to be hot and uncomfortable. Let's talk about
this costume for a second and how this penis is sticking out of the
cost. Yes, it's crazy. I am curious how big his dick I was I was
gonna say that we missing part of it because it's it's still a
sizable I'm not saying it's the same deck that we saw from the POV
point of view in The Simpsons porn that we reviewed the other week
and that was pretty damn big. Same dick it's the costume. Oh
Ryan Creamer 40:45
yeah, the costumes definitely cutting off like some significant
dick is like a good chunk of space with between his like base of
dick and like your Square Pants.
Alice Vaughn 40:55
We didn't hit payload. Yeah. And I mean, it was only a blowjob for
the test. minutes that we had. So it's lackluster, I would say at
best because you can do everything you want. No, they change
positions from what she's blowing him she Oh, and let's talk about
this. And the tail. Yeah. She says, Do you want to see my tail? I
sure do. So that's the closest I can get to them. I'm sure I can
get it a little higher and a little more nasal.
Is that it was close. Wait, I'm gonna send you a line and I need you to read it. It's gonna come in the chat. Hold on.
Ryan Creamer 41:31
Was the tail part of the underwear or was it we're
Alice Vaughn 41:34
going to have a beautiful sponge baby. I don't know how close that
is. It is Yep, there are no because I can never tell my own voice.
But I believe and I'm not gonna say how I know this kind of
information. I believe the tail was a butt plug. No, it wasn't. It
wasn't You don't think so? No, I know. So okay, I want it to be a
butt plug. That's why I was disappointed. Okay, I'm very sad. Now
Yeah, if you watch the behind the scenes Damn it, they had an
opportunity there. Exactly. They could showcase some really good
toys with her but there's a good button to it was but what they did
was they took just a regular tail and they clipped it to the back
of the bug portion of her bikini of her song. And that's all it
was. You can see it in the behind the scenes on what rocket comm
they do a behind the scenes of this specific porn. And I watched it
and I was so disappointed when I did not see an angel plug that was
a squirrel tail. I'm just saying. Ladies, if your partner watches
anime porn, there's a good chance he is seeing these characters
that they lovingly refer to as the kitty girls. surprise him with a
butt plug with the tail coming out of it. He will not be sad,
that's all
Ryan Creamer 42:51
what have you is really sad. Sad is a very funny reaction to it
just like Oh, you got me. Oh wait,
Alice Vaughn 42:57
what if like his cat just died. Ladies surprise him.
Yvette d'Entremont 43:02
It's all be your new kid. He doesn't miss you. Yeah, that's good.
Well, maybe consider the timing
Ryan Creamer 43:10
Sure. Don't do it. I'd say go for it but not right when your
beloved ones cat has just died.
Alice Vaughn 43:16
I feel it's a caveat that comes up every you know, five to 20 years
though, depending on how many cats you have like we have to take
into apart the cat calculus. This is getting very weird now.
Ryan Creamer 43:26
Now what else happened in the behind the scenes stuff? Because I
did not see that
Alice Vaughn 43:29
there wasn't too much. You saw how the costume was being put on.
You saw Anthony being painted. He saw the female her tail being
attached and asked about you know, how do you feel about fucking
SpongeBob? Which, what does she say? I mean, it's definitely an
experience. She never thought her career would bring her to this
point. But I mean, I've never thought my career would bring me to
reviewing pornography. Yeah, I was a respected science
communicator. And now I'm a respected science communicator who
talks about poured on the side. Let's go see happen. So towards the
end you have SpongeBob. Who do you guys know what he said when he
was coming? Because I wrote a town. Oh, that is the worst part of
the whole thing in my eyes because
I think I've got the tone now.
Ryan Creamer 44:15
Nailed it just in time. Yeah, he definitely says blast off when
he's orgasming. That's
Alice Vaughn 44:21
a sandy I'll say it. You came outside of me. How are we supposed to
have a baby now? Well, maybe we can adopt then.
Ryan Creamer 44:30
So this is a big trick sponge knob is like a master deceivers. It
trichter
Alice Vaughn 44:36
you jt tricker or did he come before he expected? It seemed like
you said beforehand that there was indication from him that he was
going to come. It could have been deception, but he was talking to
himself about what to do today. True before she came in, so I don't
think it was deception. I love that we're getting into the mind of
a sponge right now. Yeah, what is this guy's motive? Well in part
two SpongeBob does have sex in the costume with a squirrel? So it
could have been done
Ryan Creamer 45:05
I saw that one too and it's funny because when they were doing I
felt like the actors were like kind of on their sleeve wearing
like, oh cool it's actually like working like I don't know if they
thought that like physically it would be able to work so I did get
a vibe of like, all right like this is actually working which is
very funny. Oh, I
Alice Vaughn 45:21
can bang in this giant monstrosity right? I have to say though,
because I shouldn't spoil it because we need to you haven't watched
the sequel at event? No, I haven't. It's also done by wood rocket
and it has Tommy pistol and anta witches and has Patrick. Oh, is
that Who? Oh my god. That's gonna be great. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 45:39
he was so good.
Alice Vaughn 45:40
q i was watching the porn and texting Tommy because
Ryan Creamer 45:44
who did Patrick really well, he did the voice really well. And he
just like amazing, clearly improvised choices in character that
were just like, very funny.
Alice Vaughn 45:52
I couldn't stop laughing while he was having sex with someone and
sometimes we fast forward through these because the sex is just
sex. But like, he threw in so many good lines said, yeah, it's the
dirty secret of the porn reviewer. We don't watch all the fucking
we watched most of it, but I watched like 60% 70% when you can
scroll and you're like, yep, I see they're still just gone doing
it. It's just still dick going in at the same angle. Oh, they
change positions like that.
Ryan Creamer 46:20
Yes, I'll do that general porn scrubbing technique in general. I
feel like it's like as until position is changed like I'm not going
to stop scrub.
Alice Vaughn 46:28
I have realized so I can watch porn at two times a speed
interesting. I feel like for some parts that would make it better
honestly for the SpongeBob poured Yes. It would just make SpongeBob
sounds sponge Bobby or
Ryan Creamer 46:42
you know like impossibly like dog pitch level like can't be heard
by the human ear. Or do you just watch like these at two times
speed don't like on your for personal pleasure watch porn at twice
the speed do
Alice Vaughn 46:54
not yet. I should try one day. Yeah,
Ryan Creamer 46:58
no, I was just yeah, no
Alice Vaughn 46:59
now I'm curious. I need to do that one day. Well, you know what,
tomorrow's a new day. Yeah. Or tonight? Why not? There's always a
time you can do it's a time a place sometimes in the subway at
work. The self driving I mean, your mom's house.
Ryan Creamer 47:13
Yep. These are all I think the top five spots to do it. I
Alice Vaughn 47:16
mean, behind the bush if you're really desperate. So Ryan, what did
you learn from this porn?
Ryan Creamer 47:21
Great question. I learned the value of committing to a character. I
think the actors that were in this you got to give it up for him
because this is in terms of acting commitment, you're they're not
getting the chops they deserve this is takes a lot of commitment.
And it's something that I think most normal people out in the
street if you asked for like, I couldn't step up to the plate and
do this, so I have a lot of respect for it. And then I also learned
that obviously sponges reproduce by budding so there's a plot hole
in a big way. And I learned that it was all a trick. It was kind
of
Alice Vaughn 47:53
a piece part loofa then he came from a fucking tree and he's full
of shit. So dear reader, we don't know If we have ruined or
enhanced your childhood today if you have deep thoughts on sponge
knobs square balls Smith SpongeBob SquarePants getting a blowjob,
let us know where we're still deciding on our thoughts on this.
Mainly because I think between the voice and the face, the uncle
fester II face like it was amusing, but films like this do make me
sit there and go Yeah, of course these people are professional
fuckers, because I would not be able to give a blowjob without
accidentally clamping down from laughing if the person in front of
me, was it a goddamn SpongeBob costume so don't you dare say these
people aren't actors. This was amazing. Oh, and apparently Anthony
Rosano those shoes. Those on character SpongeBob shoes for his
Really? Yeah, I love everything. That's great. Once in a while the
universe is perfect.
Ryan Creamer 48:53
And that universe is now during sponge. Bob Square nuts.
Yvette d'Entremont 48:56
At least for today. Things are good.
Ryan Creamer 48:58
So Ryan, where can our listeners find you listeners can find me on
pornhub.com I'm also on Twitter. You can find me there. My handle
is at rye guy guy rye. If you go to those spots, you'll find me
elsewhere. Those are the key spots.
Alice Vaughn 49:10
And Brian is also a writer for College Humor. So go check out
College Humor there. They amused me so they should probably like
it's like I'm a sick fuck and you guys enjoy me so go enjoy them
too awesome. And by the way, we have some patrons to think this
week because I feel like we've submitted you guys to like two weeks
straight of like, fucking yellow jaundice porn. We owe us some
humans. So the humans that support us and by the way, you can
support us to@patreon.com slash two girls one Mike, because we send
out microphones we get guests on the show. We didn't pay for
hosting and websites and a lot of stuff that's really unnecessary,
but you listen to us so we pay for our porn to we need money to
keep the lights on for this thing. I'm pretty sure my lights are
almost off at this. Well, I don't even have lights on right now.
But Have daylight it's dark right San Francisco for the wind. So
here's some Patreon said we want to thank Aaron Mayo Amanda Potter
Cole Andrew Gore, Bob Dole Bob Medford, Carl, Christa frollo, Craig
Elliott, David bolak grin Shriver James Overton, Jeff Peterson,
Michael trolling Joshua rice john wing and gall john Redford, Mr.
Danks, Nathan dingli, rowdy Samuel Jennings, Tracy Miller, and so
many more. So yeah, and you can find us I'm rational blonde on
Twitter. So at rational blonde, and you could find Yvette at the
cyber babe on Instagram and Twitter and@facebook.com slash sigh
babe and of course my website is Sai babe calm because it'd be
throwing off makeup on me I am halfway fuckable so and if you throw
enough makeup on me, I can become SpongeBob if it's yellow. So come
check us out. support us on Patreon. We love you guys. Thanks for
hanging out with us while we discuss pornography and I'm just
getting blowjobs.
Yeah. All right, well,
Unknown Speaker 51:04
see you guys next week.
Unknown Speaker 51:06
Bye boy
Transcribed by https://otter.ai