Jul 17, 2019
Alice & Yvette list of advertisers they'll likely never work with, as well as a cardinal rule one Patreon broke. They also review "I Dream of Twinkie", where a scantily clad genie named Twinkie is rescued from his bottle and has three sex wishes to grant his new master. Become a Patreon!
Snag 20% OFF CloneAWilly.com with code: TGOM20
0:02
We're committed to your pleasure here at the porn cast and that
means we won't promote anything that isn't Alice tested any better
approved and this one is definitely tested several times over.
Yeah, there was suction and fluffing and thermometers and the tea
bags. You mean teabagging? No, I got something in my eye and use
teabags to get the swelling to go down. What did you get in your
eye? My husband's calls it It took a fucking village, a literal
fucking village and well worth it because thanks to clone a Willie
we've now cloned body parts on ourselves and willing volunteers and
we can even make them buzz. No policies or cops were harmed in the
making of this partnership we live in amazing times. Now where can
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1:01
This is two girls one Mic. The show that talks about the holes and
plotholes of your favorite porn.
1:09
Cool Welcome to two girls one Mic the podcast that dares to ask if
you give someone gonorrhea Who gave it to you. Is that considered a
clap back? I'm your co host Alice Vaughn and with me I have my
gorgeous stunning erotic sexy. co host diva john Trimont this Hi
babe, how you doing event? You know what I've never dealt with some
gonorrhea in my life. So I'm sitting here going I'm pondering the
clapback gos city of returning it. You know what? Why not? Maybe
that's the origin of the term. I feel like that's the only time you
can or should give someone gonorrhea back is if they originally
gave it to you. You're just re gifting an STD that's all you're
doing. God an endorsement not an endorsement Don't do this. I mean,
unless you know here's the in order to give it back to someone you
need to sit down They're on that act of infection, knowing they've
been treated for it. And like the process of this seems a little
arduous just to get revenge like I'd rather I don't know what I'd
rather do for revenge to someone who gave me an S like, it's not
like someone gifted it to you. It's not like they were like here
for Christmas. I thought you'd enjoy this. Like, it's often like
somebody had no idea. microbes are sneaky, like, how does one gift
that event? All I'm saying is this policy is so hot, it burns. I
don't know. Think linger about that and call a hospital. If that
does happen to you. I overthought that joke to death, I want to
take out that entire section of me chewing the life out of that
joke. That's not okay. And happens to the best of us. So, speaking
of killing jokes, you know, so we started actually this podcast
with an advertiser, but we realized, although quota Willie is an
official sponsor of this podcast, There are so many that we
probably will never be candidates for. Oh my god I've been joking
for so long that like one day we're going to start it off with two
girls one Mike the porn cast that still can't get a fucking
callback from audible. It's we're the only ones we goddamn ones
everyone on the planet has an audible subscription now to girls one
Mike the podcast where we actually would give a reason for you to
use Dollar Shave Club. Oh, I like it. Do you know anyone who's ever
gotten Dollar Shave Club? Me? Do you like it? I do, actually. So
but then I'll get it. I'm a lazy shopper. I think we should just
run through all of them. stamps.com because they won't sponsor us.
I have to actually put on some fucking pants and go to the post
office stamps calm. The unofficial Strug meal of the United States.
Samsung comm the unofficial drug meal of this podcast. I mean, we
would never Oh, surely we wouldn't Well, you know, depends on the
doctor. rug. Blue Apron, not a sponsor the show because clearly I
still have to go to Trader Joe's. Blue Apron, not a sponsor of the
show because we can fucking cook Blue Apron for when you need to
directions and just can't Google Blue Apron the Born on third kit
of cooking that will work for people who know baseball. Oh, okay,
almost. Then there's third love third love because they know the
kind of jokes that will make about them. We'll never get a
sponsorship third love because I'm still shopping at Victoria's
Secret. I don't know why. Third love because I feel like that name
it would be false advertising to some of our listeners. Third love
because that would be downsizing how many partners some of our
listeners have third love because we need six love for dread.
4:54
Jesus Christ. Yeah, they're never enough dread jokes really aren't
so speaking Things you could put in my mouth quip.
5:03
That's another reason we'll never get back to fresh
sponsorship.
5:08
quiff cuz toothbrushes didn't need much of an upgrade after
sticking bristles quip because if you're easy at gagging, I've got
something to put in your mouth
5:18
quiff because after ATM, you need to brush down. So speaking of
jobs when you get done, zip recruiter,
5:30
zip recruiter the Tinder for career websites, sip recruiter what
you've given up and you just need to apply for jobs with one click.
They're there for you. Zip recruiter when you want one callback
from 27 jobs and not a second callback from one job, the zip
recruiter for when you want to be found by an MLM. I have to tell
you the story you know who contacted me through zip recruiter
Cognizant this company that does all the outsourcing I believe all
the outsourcing for Facebook's content moderation. And they
presented the job as a writer job. Oh, that's how they found me and
it's like they totally misrepresented what it was and they tried to
use like fluffy language around it so awkward zip recruiter and
Cognizant anyways, you know what they could have also used to
contact you. They could have used T Mobile they could have used
MailChimp
6:24
MailChimp when you want to overspend on email marketing, MailChimp
because they haven't heard of Gmail, there are actually a lot of
other cheaper services
6:36
Robinhood for when you've wanted to lose all your money on an app,
which ones Robin Hood is that one is that the stock one? Yeah. Oh,
dear Robin Hood, because if you don't know anything about the stock
market, good for Robin Hood, or there's at least a Reddit forum for
that. Robin Hood, because if you don't know anything about crypto
either good, you should probably come here and they'll take Your
money. So speaking of taking people's money
7:04
I think this is a great segue to what happened to us recently. Oh
yeah, we should have
7:11
Sue, we should talk about some Patreon stuff. There's some business
Yeah, so first off, we always want to thank all of our amazing
patrons and I know we normally think them towards the end of an
episode, but fuck it, we're gonna go crazy on you guys this week.
This Is Us bustin out yo, where we dropped an eight ball before the
show today. And so we're thinking Patreon is first one. Yeah, so
this week, we want to thank Brian Andrew gore bn bob dole Bob
Medford rental, Brian Gowdy, Carl, Dave Bullock, Falco, hi, Teresa
cell, Ryan, Chamblee, Shane right rich priests pilot Mike sorbetto,
and many many more. All right, patrons are first off amazing they
get an extra content from us we shoot them over some extra quickie
episodes. It's the only way you get a quickie with one of us.
Speaking of that,
8:02
see I'm segwaying you're rubbing off on me speaking of that, we
allow our patrons to do a lot so we talked to them we interact you
guys send us your favorite porn so like we have some amazing
conversations how we hear about you getting stepped by your crazy
ex girlfriends that true story from one of our patrons that we chat
with every month it's it's We love you guys we dig it but what
we're not okay with and we have one cardinal rule one, one rule
what's up really bad, don't send us pictures of your fucking
genitalia. Unless and there is a caveat. If you are so, so
desperate to have alysus and my eye holes on your genitalia,
whether it's whether it's a vagina, or penis or something in
between, I do not care. You have to put a funny hat or googly eyes.
Do you have to dress it up? Or and we have a new rule that we're
adding this week or send us a delightful we want effort into a
video and we have to we have to see your face in this video too. We
cannot have anonymous genitalia floating around. But we need like a
five second festive video with like graphics and things we want to
be extremely clear when we say festival video. We want confetti, we
want funny noises we want slow motion if we can see you to shoot a
pennywhistle with your butthole we want to see this if you would
post this on tik tok. We want to see it Oh yeah, we want to be
entertained and if you can entertain us with your genitalia, oh,
bring that the fuck on. But your genitalia just gotta sit in there
like I have genitals to Allison I also have partners with opposite
genitalia. And we can entertain ourselves with those. We don't need
pictures of yours unless you make it do a fun a dance. Now, the
reason we bring this up to your reader Huh, we had someone break
our rule, and not just break our rule to us. And this is why we
thank our Patreon because they broke our rule all over our Patreon
wall and our Patreon got eyes full of dick. Oh, yeah, really I full
of tick. So this specific eyes full of sad dick from a guy named
Sergio. We're naming and shaming Sergio because you're sending us
threatening emails now and that's not okay. That's definitely not
Okay, so first off Yeah, we're really open with our patrons at one
point in our hundred dollar level. We even said that we would have
our personal emails exchanged so that way we could keep in contact
with whomever was at that level. However, we had to change that
because people can play by the rules and ruin it for everyone else.
Yeah, this is not okay. Especially the threatening emails we're
getting now. So, guys, like like we said, we love interacting with
you. We have a A lot of fun over on our Patreon wall, please just
one rule. One fucking rule, don't it's, I mean, this isn't even
don't talk about Fight Club. This is just don't take a picture of
one specific part of your anatomy from what you have to extricate
that from a couple pieces of clothing. That's not an Oops, that's
an on purpose. You couldn't follow the rules. So we don't want to
see your junk. We also don't want you to hit on either, but we're
very clear. We have our people we're not looking for new humans to
bang, look, we can take a compliment. We have no problem with that
at all. But this person decided, Hey, I'm going to post my junk and
then it was pretty explicit on our page we decided let's go ahead
and ban this person. And by the way, I'm sorry, but if you'd give
us 100 bucks and then give us a dick pic I'm gonna tax you that
hundred dollars for making me look at your dick. This is how this
whole tax This is one of the few occasions I can actually charge
someone for me looking at an annuity seseri dick, you send us money
post on our Patreon wall. Things that broke the rules. I don't mean
being rude. You're rude. We're gonna give you a warning. You know
this is the first time this has happened. Nobody has ever given it
like everyone's just kind of nice on there. Know what like we're
talking about port we're making dick jokes. Everyone's been fucking
groovy. And one guy comes in and like, verbally masturbates to
Alice, and is just Ah, it's a Who? Yeah, the emails are kind of
creepy. My favorite is that he decided to come back pay $2 to be
amazing to watch, slow motion train wreck, and then complain about
us. Of course ending with that we're a bunch of fakes go Trump ban
abortion because somehow that had anything to do with anything in
this conversation. We're fake. Go Trump ban abortion. I got nothing
look. I'm sorry that you escaped your But
13:02
but yeah this happened and now we get threatening emails from him
so we're looking forward to going to the police like and again
Allison are not exactly people who overreact to things these are
not just email saying I'm mad that I was banned they are threats
they're very explicitly threats and you know you can be flirty you
can be funny you can you can tell obviously you can tell a dick
joke or 27 around us. Don't send us your penis unless it's got a
fucking hat on it man. If your first time listeners guys were super
chill seriously, we talk about genitals all the time. We're a
little obsessed. It's a little it's creepy almost. Do you guys
understand how much porn we watch? A lot. This is what we do. Like
I sat down and watch so much dick going into so much asked today.
And then after I watched it for work, I watched it for fun. That's
dedication that came out better than I expected. There was one okay
joke. I'm okay with that. I'm proud of you. But yeah, guys, so we
can take a joke. We just don't want to see your dicks unless again,
Google. Eyes funny hat, give it a tiara. Make it do a dance, do
puppetry of the penis. don't spam our Patreon wall for fuxi cut
that said, Please become patrons, because that's how we pay for
editing. Yes. And we pay for hosting and sending out mics to our
fantastic guests that we have on the show. Seriously, we give a
shit about our patrons. We just don't want to see your decks. Yeah,
and we don't like it's we're Equal Opportunity non wanting to see
anyone's genitals unless we ask. Yeah, and I think vaginas are very
pretty. I just don't want to see any of yours unless I've
personally asked or unless you know what I mean. And I'm not going
to personally ask any of you I have an exception to the rule. Oh,
okay, so I've always heard of a jazlyn Oh, yeah, if you are and I
think that goes with our if it's wearing a funny hat rule. Yeah,
let's go with that. If you're a jazz old and you want to send us
your your vajazzle vajayjay want to say that we definitely we need
to see all have that. So yeah, send us your vajazzle like and we
want to know about the process. We have questions. All I'm
envisioning right now is a peanuts cartoon character down there
above the clitoris is too much. Just Snoopy Snoopy down there. Like
I always just picture there being like, like something that looked
like a comma where their legs suffer. Like, what is peanuts cartoon
character? Like, what does the animator consider how they're drawn?
is a copyright infringement if you have a peanuts character
vajazzle old? Oh my God, if you're a copyright lawyer, please email
us let us know. And if you're an animator, please animate it and
send it to us. Because we're sick evil fucks and if you decide to
get your vagina vajazzle with a peanuts character, specifically
Snoopy, I really want to see it. That's not even a joke. You know,
somebody's gonna go out and do it. Oh my god. I hope they do. Is
that a thing people are still doing? I say with horror spreading
across What if I got it done. Oh I need its I'd say get video of
the process but I don't know if that counts as taking video of your
own porn like at a thing. I mean if I do get it down I'll send at
least to you. So you're saying there's hope there's a chance if you
want Alice and I both go get vajazzle and talk about it at a future
episode, email info to girls one Mike, we want to hear what why
what how? Yeah, should we do this? Why not? Look, people put
rhinestones in more inappropriate places like crocs. This is very
true. I don't think you should decorate you cannot make a crock
pretty vagina is already pretty. Of course I do wonder what Dr. Jen
Gunter would say about about the jostling? Are there other
gynecological ramifications of the jostling only depending where
you stick it? Yeah, I feel like if you keep above the hood, so to
speak, you should be okay. But I don't know if there's potential
for like the glue to come. I don't know. I'm all in favor of
keeping any extra curriculars that you don't need to put in here to
get off? I'm definitely not googling for gi NYCLU.
17:09
There was a guy a few years ago who like and I was praying that
this was a hoax and I don't think it turned out to be that was like
that sold like it was just vagina glues like yeah, just glue your
shit shut and you don't need to have a period. Yeah, that's how
biology works guys. Yeah, I can just turn it off. It's not like it
shows up completely inconveniently whenever I don't want it. Ah,
we're failing at teaching reproductive biology but that is a rant
for another day. Because we have porn to review. We do have porn to
review. So we reviewed this week. I mean, I Dream of Jeannie porn.
It's I Dream of Jeannie but because we have not done a gay man on
man porno for a long time. And we were like we should Alison I
should sit down for girl chat. about some men doing some some
delightful things. And this is not a Dream of Jeannie. It is Alice.
I dream a Twinkie. It was so much fun. It was it was two hours and
about 15 minutes. But it was, it was pretty good. Like it wasn't
their best when they're seeing. That's pretty good. I mean, okay,
so for those of you who don't know what a twink is, twink is a
slang for a young man in his late teens to early 20s whose traits
include physical attractiveness little to no body or facial hair,
some towers build super youthful appearance. That's a tweak I
looked at him I have minor contention with this guy being
considered a twin because I always could picture twinks to be like,
just smaller than that just shorter and teensy are in stature. But
you know, I'm not a gay man. So I could be I'm probably fucking
wrong on this. I was excited about this. So because I mean, I grew
up on I Dream of Jeannie and It's funny because it was actually,
you know, a network show of the 50s and 60s. And I looked into it
and there was so much that I realized that now as an adult, I
didn't know. So for example, I didn't know that, you know, do you
remember I Love Lucy, Lucy and Ricky had separate beds. Yeah, they
weren't allowed to show I think I want to say it was The Brady
Bunch. That was the first couple that had them have a bed together
on television. There were a ton of them that they weren't allowed
to have a bed together. Yeah. So it was actually also one of the
popular network shows that had strict bedroom rules and forced Wow,
yeah, so Jeannie and Tony were never allowed to be shown going into
the bedroom together and shutting the door behind them was strictly
out of the question. If that wasn't extreme enough. Even when Genie
turned into pink smoke, she had to be shown leaving the room alone.
Oh my god. Like the only thing they focused on when you were a kid.
It was like you'd ever see genies belly button. Ha ha ha. Like
that's the whole thing. They focus. No one ever By the way, you see
all this other stupid bullshit speaking of her belly button
actually. So Barbara Eden who played genie in original I Dream of
Jeannie. So sensors they were super strict on not showing her belly
button but let's be frank, she were a crop top for how many
seasons? Yeah, like we saw her everything else. But at one point
there was one slip up that actually did cause a bit of commotion
during the series, man belly buttons, and then you know what, 2030
years later Janet Jackson's nipple we just keep on freaking out
about dots on women's bodies. And it's weird because they wanted
baggy pantaloons so her legs wouldn't show it through. They wanted
the belly button covered up the cleavage was completely fair game,
so they wanted her skimpy but only in certain network acceptable
ways. slotted imagination. It's weird which things were Yeah, this
is totally loud, but this is too far. How dare you? Yeah, the belly
button pool the various sexual belly button. So if you've never
seen I Dream of Jeannie, it's a classic American fantasy sitcom
starring Barbara Eden as a 2000 year old Genie and Larry Hagman, as
an astronaut who becomes her master whom she falls in love with and
eventually marries. The show originally aired in September 65 to
may 1970, and was actually the last Network series to be filmed in
black and white. By Season Two was in color. I didn't know that
about the switchover to color being in the middle of that. Yeah.
And then they actually didn't even have a theme song either until
the second season. What I know so that iconic I dream song.
Yeah.
21:41
So what's nice is this film that we're going to review had
definitely tropes that they pulled from I Dream of Jeannie, but it
was a little different. So maybe we should start with a dreamer
Twinkie. So we had a couple prominent gay actor so we had chase
youngest Twinkie, we had Trevor Knight as rod Dickerson, Harry
hiddenly as Doug Jeffries, so we begin with a sepia tone screen and
some interesting backstory. So we're told, once upon a time there
was a poor Genie trapped in the lamb for thousands of years Twinkie
was enslave two grand three sexual wishes to anyone that rubbed him
right and could only be freed and granted mortality upon the
receipt of a mortal kiss of true love. So first off, here's my
question. Why is it three sexual wishes I feel like this is number
one is putting some restrictions on it. Number two, as we find out
in the episode, it's not sexual wishes for this person. It's any
wish that happens to be of a sexual nature which kind of deviates
from this. Now the other thing is with genie in the show, it's just
kind of she's his servant, slave person in perpetuity. So they you
know, of course, change it to three because we had, you know, here
and have put so many scenes before you have to free Genie from the
bottle so to speak. You know, I actually was wondering where the
trope of the three Genie wish came from? Do you know? No, no. So
according to Wikipedia, the fisherman and the genie is one of the
few stories included in every known manuscript of 1001 nights. Oh,
I was one of my favorite like picture books when I was a kid.
Supposedly, there is an existing 14th century Syrian manuscript or
300 stories with the fisherman and the Genie, where it's a story
about a fisherman catching fish that happens to be a genie. And
that goes back to the 14th century. So there's that But yeah, I
mean, that's supposedly the origin of the three Genie wish. And it
makes actually a really good plot device. Although I was trying to
think of what I want. If I had three wishes, specifically three
sexual wishes you'd wish one of them to be Manuel Ferrara obviously
you'd want a motor bunny I'd want I'd want a motor bunny. You want
a motor bunny? Hide obviously want my asshole to be retained after
dread? Hey, they're very elastic. They bounce back. I would hope
I'm just saying if it doesn't I want security. Yeah, yeah. I think
a genie for security on that might be that's life insurance, right?
I kind of want to know, I mean, what is the limit when it comes to
vagina? I mean, can we make up a clown car? Can that sexual wish be
can we make this a clown car? How many can come at? Well, you know,
technically the Octomom answered that who Yeah, you're right. Oh,
yeah, nevermind, pass on that hard pass. She's also proof that it
can bounce back. Octomom. If you're listening. We're willing to
take you on. We guess there is Octomom porn. So we have questions.
We want to know how you're doing. We're legitimately concern for
your vagina. I mean, that sounds like it was difficult if you are
octo mom's vagina, please write to us at info tocom if your octo
mom's vagina agent, it's a separate agent actually totally
different. I'm sure. I mean, we're all sure it was a C section. But
dear god, that's a lot of goddamn babies. Yeah, I mean, one for me
is a lot. One is one too many for any of my holes. So there
Anyways, back to the buttholes in this or no. So we began with a
rod and Doug who are running along a beach working out. Duck, I've
noticed by the way is being a non stock dicto rod, it seems like
there might be some sexual tension. But we find out later I'm wrong
about this. It's just they're just they're picking on each other
while they're running, you know, eventually trips. He's like the
osteoporosis kicked in. And then he picks us up and it's this lamp
that we're like every time there's a genie story and someone picks
up a lamp or We're all looking at it like you haven't seen every
single fucking Genie story ever. This is a lamp, you rub it in a
genie comes out. And like, they're always looking at it like it's,
oh, it's a lamp. It's so pretty and it's like, and I get it. It's
like yelling at the characters in a horror movie don't go towards
the green light. But after the zillions Genie story, when no one
ever has an oil lamp like that anymore, you're like,
26:25
Huh,
26:26
you know, the only thing it makes me think about a rubbing is
Christina Aguilera.
26:32
All I'm saying is I want a genie in another vessel. I think that is
a fair argument. But all I'm saying is that specific song she was
talking about her clitoris. It's specifically for dudes inability
to find it in my opinion. What although apparently she says this,
and I kid you not she did an interview specifically that she said
the song is not about sex. It's about self respect. Liar. Like
Christine that that might be what the studio executives told you as
a sweet, innocent 16 year old, but they lied through their teeth to
you so that you would help them make money off of your sweet
innocent sexuality. Okay? Lie. Gentlemen, ladies, you just have to
rub her the right way. Yeah, with respect. I'm just saying. That's
how you rub all women with respect. I'm just I'm embarrassed for
that. Respect gets me as hot naughty as anyone else. But you know,
it really gets me going just touching my clitoral with permission
of course. Oh, honey, you're respecting me hard tonight. Huh? Get
down there and respect that interest a little to the left.
27:47
Show it some manners.
27:50
I want those manners harder now. Faster. Goddamnit.
27:57
Sorry, Christina. Sure you met Well with that statement so going
back to Doug being a colossal taking this porn, are you kidding me?
It's dirty and tacky like you. Rob decides to talk to his goddamn
lamp and says Don't listen to him. I'm taking you home because
that's normal talk to him in an inanimate object once you found it.
Yeah, sure. Yeah. I always talk to seaglass when I pick it up.
Yeah, that's a thing. Rod. You look great in my bedroom. Yeah,
fantastic. More shit to clutter up your garbage style the core.
That's just not friendly. In my opinion, like the tension there. It
was hard to tell what was driving it and like, the script wasn't
written well for the dynamic they were trying to portray later on
in the movie. I mean, yeah, the tension was absolutely non
existent. In my opinion. between those two, it seemed like tension,
but it seemed more like you know, you could cut the tension with a
spoon. Yeah, it's like it seemed more like buddies punching each
other that we're gonna play basketball later. Now. That we're going
to do but stuff. Yeah. So we have rod going back to his apartment.
He's staring at the Aladdin style lamp because obviously How else
do you know it's a lamp? If it's not Aladdin style? Yeah, I mean,
this is I was hoping I mean, I think this is why it bugged me. I
think this is one of those things where they could have turned it
into a hornier thing. They could have taken the lamp and turned it
into an enema bulb. Ah, well decorated nm abobe I think that that
would have worked. Are you saying I'm a dazzled and a my bone. I
want the dazzling on that Manama pub. I think that would be a
perfect little. For the genie. Pair of two girls one Mike, we think
it's important to support you in your masturbatory habits. It's sex
with someone you love, and we love them to love some really strong
word. According to my therapist. We care about giving each and
every one of them a better orgasm. And that is Close enough, and we
will never recommend anything we haven't personally tested which is
why you can trust us when we say we highly recommend Cloner Willy
because with clone Willy you can masturbate and have sex or someone
you love while at home and shame eating overeats I told you to take
the camera out of my home. Oops. So with quota Willie, you can make
a dildo and now a fleshlight out of your own anatomy. As we found.
It's a fun and messy process. And if you're doing this on your
partner, they're strategizing and evasive maneuvering. It's kind of
like adult risk, but instead of winning a fake country, you get a
real vibrator and do what you want with it. hang it on a wall, hide
it in your goodie drawer for when you're home alone, send it to
your significant other as the only version of you that's willing to
fly united
30:47
use it to fix a broken leak or to cause one
30:51
personal experience. Use it as a peer cozy smash the patriarchy
with the cold one ladies. So crack a cold I'm with the boys stick
it in the girls. where can our listeners find out more about this
madness to quote unquote it go to corner Willie calm to check it
out and type in the promo code tg o m 20 to get 20% off your first
purchase.
31:16
So you see rod shaking and rubbing a clean and of course, cue laugh
track the genie comes out and this is where I have to give them
credit. We had a porn with the left track Well done, but they
didn't use it only once. They used it several times throughout the
film. And I'll give them credit for that because we've seen porn
like friends that use the laugh track once or twice and didn't
continue to use it. It was so super like they were kind of like,
hey, look, here's a hint of left track. This one dropped it like
they aren't fully and judiciously use the left track. I was happy
with that. So kudos to them on that. And Twinkie comes out and he
explains he's a genie of the lamp and is willing to grant him three
sexual wishes again So think of your sexual wishes write them to us
at info to girls on Mike calm. How many people are you willing to
be dp tree peed Quadri peed by? We want to know what the weirdest
one is. And if you had a genie if people will send us in the
weirdest ones, I kind of want to read a few from on the air. No,
seriously, let us know a fantasy that you know will probably not
happen although we really do want all of our podcast listeners to
get the sex they want the craziest sex they want the weirdest sex
they want. Yeah. Oh, so much sex that they want. A friend of mine
asked me the other day, you know, how do you know you're with the
right person to marry? Because you see, he had the mistaken idea
that I knew shit about relationships. I know how to make mine work.
I don't know things about general stuff. But one of the things I
told him was you need to be able to tell your partner not just you
know, I like this. I like that that you're doing. You need to be
able to tell them the weird shit. The weirdest felt like if you Saw
a thumbnail of and I know I joke about tentacles a lot. And I joke
about it because people kind of hear that and reflexively go, if I
liked that. That would be too weird. Tell my partner because they
would judge me. You need to be able to tell them about your
equivalent of the technical shit, whatever that is. And if you
think they would judge you, for whatever you're really weird shit
is, you know, unless it's kids or animals in that case, no, like,
if you don't line up an 80% of the things and your weird shit is
like not a thing you think that they would ever be okay with.
Because they aren't someone who accepts your whatever you are
except kinks. Maybe it's not gonna work. You need to be able to
talk about all of the kinks. So, if you have those three wishes,
and have unfortunately not found that person who you've dove so
deep into your sexual fantasies that you haven't found though, wow,
this is a sticky one. What would you ask your Genie for would Let's
hear them and if you got one you want to be read out anonymously.
We would love to do that. That'd be kind of fun. Look, all I'm
saying is we want our listeners to be happy and to get rammed or be
rammed or do all the ramming that they would like to do or watch
the ramming or listen to the ramming hordes. We want your genitals
happy is what we're saying. We do. I want to specifically read
about those interesting fantasies. I'd say the weirder the better,
but I also don't know how weird it gets. Oh, no, I want the
weirdest send them to me. Dude, I tried clown porn. Somebody
messaged me not that long ago asking when we're gonna review clown
porn, which means we have to review clown porn.
34:43
You know, this is a well known scientist who emailed me. So, Sean
Carroll stop emailing us about cloning.
34:55
Oh my god. I'll tell you after or two it was Neil deGrasse Tyson. I
wasn't going to tell you God wasn't going to tell our listeners.
Dr.
35:07
Bill Nye Come on. Oh, you guys you ready knows nim for you. Neil's
into climate change porn. He wants to watch people doing it on top
of a wind turbine. That's his thing. So going back to the actual
porn, so Twinkie pops out of course rod is surprised by the way
they had a smoke machine or a smoke coming out of the lamp. So you
knew it was a genie? Of course. Yeah. And silly sexy master every
Genie has their specialty. And you are the one that received me.
Okay, what are you waiting for a sexual specialty? Yes, but I want
to know the other specialties that are out there for genies. Yeah,
like are is there one that's like all do any three house chores
that involve getting mold off of tiles, but that's it. Is there a
genie of dentistry? Yeah. Oh, carwash God is there one for
wrinkles? I need that cheney kept me that fucking lamp. Is there a
plumbing Genie? You know if there's a plumbing Genie then the
number of women that would just not look for me they'd be like, I
got a vibrator. I just I'm gonna call this guy the next three
plumbing emergencies and that'll probably get me through to the end
of menopause. God I mean, how specialized Can you be as a genius?
Well, who am I scream? Genie? My Uber driver is creepy. Please pick
me up on the side of the road right now. Genie, I lost my house
keys for the 14th time to uni. I dropped my phone in the toilet.
Well shitting Oh my God saved me Genie. Is that handbag on sale
yet? Genie. Is that food still good or Have I made a horrible error
in judgment? Genie light said wish you could do clap on Clap off
with Jeannie. Could somebody please pee for me? It's 4am and I
don't know where my glasses are and the toilet is way too fucking
far away for this Genie. Speaking of ping, is there a genie for to
tell you specifically when the right times to pee during a movie
are good? That's a genie. I want a genie for that. And what would
you tell me how many ounces of fluid I get a half answer by book.
That's a good Genie. That is a good Genie, a genie of vacation
planning around the weather. People would fucking pay for that one.
Is there a genie who will get you an umbrella when you've
accidentally left out of a home knowing it was going to rain?
37:41
And everyone be like, what are you doing? It's only 20% Oh, I know
when it's raining. I know. How do you know I have a cine? I want
that Genie. I want a genie that specializes only in Sudoku games.
It's
37:57
often specifically Only to answer to you once you fucked up so
severely because you put the wrong number on the wrong chain. Oh
man, those are painful moments in your life that you just won't get
back but you'll have a genie for it three times. Oh, only three.
But thankfully genies aren't owned by gaming companies like EA. Oh,
if you want to undo this micro transaction with this Genie please
send us another dollar 99 for Genie cold coins
38:31
sorry this so the genie explains he can only fulfill three sexual
wishes and then he returned to his lamp or he awaits his next
master. So they get interrupted Of course. And of course the
doorbell rings and of course, who shows Mr. Man's man's and I'm
like there's more than one port but we're getting right into Mormon
do we kind of talked about Mormon dick with Allison on our Patreon
content? Yeah. Which was why I was like, already Like I was having
this moment of I'm like I'm not on hallucinogens right now. Like I
know we just talked we talked about it within this one. The Mormons
are their rod points that I'm in says to them I want to see their
sexual fantasy. So of course then that we see the Mormons begin
boning Yep. All of a sudden onto the couch and I mean, here's the
thing for this one I skipped a lot of the sex because I'm like I
just want to see what the what the plot is for this. And it just
it's funny because at first like he the genie does the you know
arms together and blink much like Barbara Eden did and he does the
you know, arms together blink and they go from being at the door to
on the couch with their pants off shirts open ties on ton making
out and they look up at rod and Twinkie and they're like hey a
little privacy and they leave and then the scene just you know goes
on it's just gone. Oh porn from there. But you know, it was it was
cute though. They had the you know, the arms together and blink
done, you know, as they had in the original. It was a nice throw.
Yeah, after the bagging we go to the next day. We're Twinkie
appears in front of rod as he's trying to fix the laundry. Of
course, Doug walks in wonders why the hell there's a guy dressed in
an Aladdin costume, which is apt to wonder I would look at my
friend and be like, you know, whatever your sexual thing is good
for you, which is pretty much what you know what happened,
basically. So he ends up leaving and as he's leaving, he runs into
the plumbers because rod was trying to fix the laundry machine. And
the plumbers come in. And apparently once rod and Twinkie leave the
room, one of the plumbers decides to remark we've been getting a
lot of queer customers lately. They just make me nervous. Oh, how
dare you and of course you see what that kid was wearing? Because
yes, a guy in a genie costume while it clearly make anyone nervous.
I didn't realize that Genie costume necessarily screamed homo. That
was he they didn't give me that in the handbook but I guess it says
get Like, no, but right out of view, you know, we hear rod say I
hate homophobia, I wish they would just fuck here and of course,
Twinkies hearing the word wish every time literally and goes as you
wish master arms together blinks, and all of a sudden the homophobe
is getting over his fear, so to speak with his assistant boning
over the dryer, and it's like, this is the first time I've seen a
plumber banging seen in one of our porns I was so happy and there
was a plumbers crack, too. Exactly. It's bonus points for the
plumbers crack, you know, little bit of reality goes a long way.
Have you ever been on a washing machine? I'm almost sure I did.
Yeah, Yes, I did. Indeed. Two guys back. See in my brain. I heard I
misheard that initially, I was like two guys one washing machine.
Oh, yeah. It's I feel like you kinda have to go. What would it be?
Eiffel Tower for That one. Yeah. there'd have to be some
maneuvering some flexibility, some very long limbs. I have a very
tiny laundry room at the moment. So, and actually, this is the
weirdest situation because my laundry room has a massive boulder in
it. Oh, yeah, this happens. So the house that I have was built over
rocks. And there's what I'm not even kidding you, Nick thing and
did the rock room. Because when you walk in, the first thing you
see is a massive boulder taking over 75% of the room. Oh. And then
to your left, there's a laundry and dryer and then the rest is
bolder. So unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to really fuck on
laundry and dryer because there's I don't know the rocks in the
way. You could hang over some guy's shoulders while he's eating
your pussy and put your hands in the boulder and you could be as
over the shoulder boulder holder. That was horrible. So I'm
embarrassed by that, but a little proud at the same time. I'm proud
of him. Okay. Okay, cool. I'm glad I'm glad someone is my mother
certainly isn't. Don't worry. Our parents stopped being proud of us
long ago. Yeah, every so often they'll tell mom about something
that happens on this and she'll go, that's nice, dear.
43:20
She's happy for me. But at the same time, she's like, Yeah, I don't
listen to that. I like your other thing.
43:27
She's, she's the most supportive parent I could possibly have. For
someone who makes as many jokes about penises. As I do. I could not
ask for a better mother. But man, like she's very prim and proper.
And I say fuck, so much. Just an interesting combination. So host a
plumber's boning rod suggests that the genie be a little bit more
discreet. So we'd have a wardrobe montage. Oh yeah. And it's it is
a fabulous wardrobe montage. If you're here with us for An episode
long time ago that will live in two girls when making fun of me. If
you remember from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's balls are
character flag I believe that fagg Hagrid would approve of this
wardrobe montage if you want to go back and listen to that episode
it was Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's balls we need to do way more
of these gay porns we need to find more but like I'm sorry, but the
puns in the plot and that when we're better I think I mean as the
resident pansexual on the show that does define what twists your
nipples correct. So he says you know, we get it get a good outfit
for Twinkies like Alright, we're gonna pop over to Sierra and play
ball. We have to be discreet and goes okay, Master blinks them
over. And he's like, what did I say about being discreet and Frank
comes over playing basketball and says Hey, why don't you guys get
over here and Twinkie goes, Oh, we just popped over you know and
kind of gives an almost wing face and then like holds his head To
the side and says very obviously, how is that for discreet offices
back to home? It's not very discreet when you have to explain
you're being discreet, you know. So then finally, the friend asked,
all right, what's the gag and they do a cut screen. And he says,
you're gonna think I'm crazy. And they do a cut screen to it. Yeah,
I think you're crazy. cine? I mean, and specifically, again, a sex
Genie? Yeah, sex Genie. I just feel like is whenever we watch one
of these types of things, where someone has a magical mystical
thing, and we're in on it because we've seen it all happen and then
we see their friend that's the disbeliever we all think we believe
the guy No, we'd be sitting there telling them Dude, I have to get
you to a mental institution you're seeing things. Exactly. And
what's really sweet is so rod is able to get hairy to find his true
love in this because he accidentally wishes for it. It's the nicest
thing that ever leaves to shower bone exactly because Twinkie Of
course needs To know if rod is on the market, so he asks if rod and
Harry are a thing. And rod explains to Twinkie that as much as you
know they're best friends that Harry is pining over his fellow
friend who he plays basketball with. And although Harry's always
look on the lookout for potential suitors for rod You know, he
wishes he could find someone for himself and that's where the
accident your wishes. Next question comes in the third one
actually, Rod accidentally wishes for true love for his best friend
who's pining for Twinkie of his own and then cut the shower sex,
which it was shower sex, it was shower sex, if that's what you're
into. I recommend soap afterwards because that could get microbes
are tricky. That's all I have to say about that. But anyway, on to
next bit. Oh plot Twinkie says now that you've used up your wishes,
it's time to return to the lamp but rod doesn't want him to go back
to the land. And he tells Twinkie. He loves them. Now they've only
known each other a day and a half. You know, sometimes when you
find your apps you want to keep your ass. I mean, I have found good
house within a day and a half. I did not tell it. I loved it. No, I
you know, I waited at least 48 hours before I told my husband you
weighed 48 hours, I weighed four years, I waited longer than 48
hours. It was it was a joke to No, no. It was it actually four
years. I was a while I think it was like a little under two months
for Derek it was two years before the first time my partner said
that, you know, we'd love each other and then it took like, four or
five, six years before we got it, you know, consistent, something
like that. We had to have a therapist get involved. You know, this
is a good message through our listeners, tell each other if you
love each other, tell each other as soon as you figure that shit
out. But don't say it within 48 hours. Yeah. No, no, I was joking.
I did not say that was a joke. I hope they understand that again. I
mean, you can lust for someone within 48 hours. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So
much last thing we listed a lot. And I still like I mean, there's
an argument to be made that six weeks was still laughs It probably
was. But you know, worked out. Look, all I'm saying is a good fun
good tick doesn't mean it's love.
48:24
No,
48:24
I've had a lot of good dick. I've had one that I would call you
know, I hadn't said to another man that I love them in 10 previous
years, so I figure I use it judiciously. See, I use it too much as
in like, I love you, man. Let me face it. I use it judiciously for
men, whose penises I have been utilizing at the moment. I remember
years ago with an ex boyfriend, where I said that I loved his cock.
And he misheard that during sorrow. Oh, yeah, that was that's a
that's a moment. was a hard one. It might not have been after that
actually you're right it wasn't after that. Oh, you that's just one
of those words you try to never you like you're like you can be
like I love this ice cream. Oh fuck that word shouldn't have come
up near a person that we don't know where we're at with The L Word
no thrown out new new actually don't even love the ice cream have
really strong feelings for it. I adore the ice cream the ice cream
makes me feel good about myself and I think it's put me at a good
place and this ice cream has come at the right time. It's not going
to judge me I can bring it around my mother I can be myself around
this ice cream. I really I've never felt like a complete woman
until though most before I brains my body and really fills me up
like oh no other man could. Things I could still say about ice
cream sometimes I'm kidding. No, no, depending on which they get
melts into I mean, well this can be said about men and ice cream in
too many different ways. Look, we've seen some weird shit important
now. Maybe involving nostrils maybe involving Coca Cola and vaginas
maybe involving armpits? Oh Lord, look, all I'm saying is we have
seven holes, we have to use them all. We have holes, we have
crevices, we have divots. Are you really using your belly button?
If Yeah, never mind. There's a scene in the matrix that still
freaks me out with that. Remind me doesn't get a little bug going
through the one of the bugs that they're using to track Neo going
through the belly button, or is it just a random hole that it kind
of invents in the stomach? I thought it was the belly button before
he escaped the matrix. And he's still plugged in email said info to
girls on mic calm because we don't remember the matrix I just spent
because I just went down a rabbit hole with matrix like fan
theories recently, because that's a thing you do. I'm almost sure
went in through the belly button. It was that scene where like his
mouth closes on itself. And he's being held down by Smith's and
yeah, anyway, it's been too long since I've seen that film. It's
still hold up. Oh yeah. The original Absolutely. Yes, it is
absolutely as good as we remember it to be. Who is ever porn with
someone who's a really good Keanu Reeves look like I could be
wrong, but I think that Tommy pistol has been him in something and
Tommy pistol does a really good kiato like I saw the picture of him
and at first I thought it was Keanu. I could be misremembering, but
I think it was him. Okay, so clearly I have some more porn to
watch. We have work to do. There's a goal. Anyways, we had this, we
are almost wrapped up with this one. So So rod is very sad, because
you know, Twinkies gonna go away. And of course, he doesn't want to
he's in love with him before he went off on this tangent About Love
is a bit of a strong word. And I don't want you to go I know it's
crazy, but I love you. And of course Twinkie is so so happy master
I knew would be you. But anyways, they bang. And of course, they
figure out that the curse is broken because it's only love's true
kiss, their true love's kiss that can break the spell. So I have a
little bit of contention with this because so Twinkie explained
earlier on that if he finds love's true kiss, he becomes immortal
and yet they bone in the lamp. Oh, yeah. Oh, how about it? fuck are
they in the lab? That is a continuity error. You know what? Maybe
they're mortal, but they're stuck tiny forever. Oh, wow. That's,
that's
52:27
maybe in the lamp. He has like a genie hotline. And he can call a
genie friend and be like, Yo, I'm mortal. I can get us the fuck out
now, but first you got to get them over here and make me big again.
I mean, you would assume there's some sort of a genie hotline so
they could all communicate what else do you do with yourself for
like, however many hundreds or thousands of years you're stuck in
there? masturbate. Just fucking masturbate. I mean, I can't even
imagine especially if you're new to sexual wish, Genie. You've
heard it all. Yeah, like when he said at first that you genies have
specialties My first thought was, is is going to be like room jobs
or like, Is it going to be a specific sexual thing? And then it was
like, No, just sex. I'm like, I wonder, does he know all the other
geniuses? He had the phone number for the Genie, who will run my
errands for me? Well, now it's going to be awkward, because now
that if he's hypothetically mortal, I mean, before he didn't have
to eat, think about this. You know what, maybe he won't be able to
maintain that twink ish physique. And he might actually find out
that he's a bear at heart who, and I support Twinkie, no matter
what twinky chooses for his path. Now that said, I actually
remember. So last year when I was at a conference, I flew out this
kid actually to the American atheist conference. Oh, yeah, who he
came from an Orthodox Jewish community. And it was one of those
really, really restrictive sacks where he couldn't eat specific
things, actually a lot of things so for example, the same sex that
our friend BJ was in possibly like he like when we took him to a
Mexican restaurant. He had no idea what most of the things were.
Oh, so I did the charitable thing and I decided we're ordering
everything off the menu. Wow, we ordered everything. With his mind
just blown trying all the new flavors. He had 12 different types of
tacos hands easily. Oh my god. That's fantastic. The thing that lit
my heart up was just someone being able to have like a carne asada
for the first time or just try Trump. I don't know. He reminds me
like my mom likes to say that she is younger in in pubnico, which
were a tiny little village in in Nova Scotia where our family's
from then she is in the US because like her cousins that are about
the same age as her like within a year or two. They remember being
like the first time They had pizza. Wow. Like some of the foods
only made it up there, like a decade later than they because my mom
grew up in Boston, all of our relatives are in this teensy village.
But yeah, remembering the first time you did certain things that
were just kind of happening in normal people's lives like can you
imagine being our age now and getting having your first bacon
cheeseburger? Well, I can because I only had a Twinkie this year.
You're not missing much. To be fair. A bacon cheeseburger. On the
other hand, though, horrible for you. Tastes pretty fucking good. I
also never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich until I was 18
years old. Sometimes people just don't have you know, it's
interesting how you grew up in different cultures and certain
things are just yeah, I think Yeah, cuz you weren't. You always
sort of speaking English when you were How old? I was five or six.
And it was weird because I was stupid good at math, supposedly. And
I remember I was great math. Tried communicating with my
classmates. Yeah, that didn't work. So they put me with the trip.
Kids. Oh, yeah. So I got to play board games and stare into each
other's eyes and say the color of each other's eyes. I'm picturing
you swearing at all these kids in Polish all day long. I'm
picturing him being like, like just quietly with a smile on your
face like cursing these kids straight to hell. And you're and the
nuns just being like, oh, Alice is smiling. She's happy. The slow
one is happy at least.
56:28
The worst part was actually so from kindergarten to eighth grade, I
was in an elementary Catholic school, it was all one facility all
one school. And they had the trailer kids who were the ones who
need a little bit of extra help, but I was only put in there
because they didn't really have any ESL program. And then there was
the normal classes and then there was Kaleidoscope which was for
your advanced students. When I was in the normal classes. I was
frequently bored I was trying to get into Kaleidoscope but you need
a teacher's recommendation, but every Every time I got one, the
teacher would leave the school Oh, so what was nice and reaffirming
was when I went into high school so this is a little too much
information on me but I'll go for it so I went to a high school
that did box and did phases so there was phase 234 and five so you
could be you know more advanced in one subject and if you're you
know need to learn at a slower pace at a different one that's fine.
And I was faced five and everything so that just reaffirmed I'm the
smartass I always thought I was Yeah, I have no doubt in your asked
us intelligence. Alice ever Yeah, bear. Sometimes my assets too
smart for its own good. I think you could sit on an ice cream cone
and tell us the flavor that is an intelligent das. It feels like
licorice. Oh, it's here. To hell I go anywho. So Overall consensus
on this porn I think had some funny I like that. Our man who picked
up Twinkie the original astronaut who picked a Twinkie was major
Nelson I think believe it was rod Nelson. This was rod Dixon. So I
you know, not a bad little they did you know, they did something
that made it corny Not bad. Not bad. If you're looking for
predominately Gonzo porn, if you like, you know, gay guys fucking
This is for you. And you want a little bit of giggles between it
but like, you know, we love our really plot heavy stuff. All I'm
saying is we need to watch more gay porn so that we can find more
gay porn. Like I like that we sit here and we kind of go through
these alone but we have to get a gay porn connoisseur on the show
and I feel that we are not. We are not the connoisseurs of this
that we should be Oh clearly not not at this point. I feel we have
neglected this genre severely, especially because there's so many
good titles, just sitting there right for the pimping, I think
Excuse me, but I was looking at this and I was like, do we do I
dream or Twinkie or drill again? xilin Yeah, it was so hard no pun
intended. We Yeah, let's see Julian's Island really soon and get it
up there it's I think let's like sometime in the next like month it
this we have a recording schedule kind of scheduled out a little
bit now which is which is nice to see but at the same time it's
like when do we record again? When do we sit down as you may have
recorded thing but yeah, drill Wiggins Island if you if you are
listener, have a gay porn that you want to serve you LS info to
girls one Mike because we love these we just, this is just not our
normal territory and we don't know what to hunt for. And if you are
a gay man or gay woman who really enjoys gay porn, or just a
straight person who just enjoys gay porn as well, because I've met
a lot of women who are into gay porn. I mean, I enjoyed the fuckery
that's all I'm saying. Email us, we would love to know more terms.
We'd love to educate our audience seriously, that's why we have an
email address. It's there for a reason. And just to remind you, not
fear dick pics. Oh, yeah, yeah. Unless slow motion control. And
music I want house music to that. I want to see a confetti cannon.
If you can't actually fit it in your ass I wanted Photoshop to see
an explosion of confetti glitter coming out your part to go okay,
but not just a shot of your penis or your clitoris whichever I just
just please please keep it funny event where can our listeners find
your mouth clutter
1:00:23
s Oh, oh baby.
1:00:26
Y'all can find my mouth glitter is over at the cyber babe on
Twitter and Instagram and over@facebook.com slash cyber babe for
snark and science and occasional dick jokes, Alice, where can our
listeners find your lovely face and your delightful snarky funny
built the words? Well, they can find me at rational blonde on
Twitter or you guys can also find us on patreon.com slash two girls
one Mike, we thank you guys for listening this week. Share the word
with all of your friends who listen to podcasts or don't or
just
1:00:59
anything One who talks about porn or listens to it or watches it, I
guess, tell all your friends who watch porn. So tell all your
friends and we will see you guys next week. Bye bye bye
Transcribed by https://otter.ai